WTF, Madrid? Shameless, Clueless, and Pride Awards 2010

I'm starting a new tradition.

Henceforth, I will be giving Pride Awards every June. In addition, there will be Shameless Awards given to those whose atrocious behavior towards our community crosses from insult to comedy. Last but not least, there is a Clueless Award for an idiot LGBTQ organization.

Let's start with Shameless.

Shameless Awards: We Can't Believe You Are Such an Ass!

Non-Gay Award goes out to Reverend George Rekers, who spent 10 blissful days in Europe with Lucien, a hot number he picked up on rentboy.com. Keep in mind that Rekers is not now, never has been, and never will be Gay. Rekers has made serious green as a family values advocate against LGBTQ people on issues such as marriage and adoption. Despite receiving nekked massages from Lucien and Lord know what else (Rekers claims he was preaching the Gospel to Lucien, no doubt with a special emphasis on Peter), George insists they were just a couple of Straight guys having good Christian fun.

George "Rentboy" Rekers joins the ranks of other famous Non-Gay men such as Larry "Wide Stance" Craig, Tom "I Like To" Cruise, Aaron "Confirmed Bachelor" Schock, Al "Call Me" Green, and Eric "Snorkling" Massa, as well as Non-Lesbians like Elena "Switch-Hitter" Kagan, Virginia "Bigger Dick Than You" Foxx, and Lindsey "Grandma" Graham.

Bitter Queen Award goes to Josef Ratzinger, whose drag name is Benedict (which means "Good Penis" in Italian) XVI. His choice of "Benedict" is perfect, since he has benedict to us for years. We have yet to confirm if the "XVI" refers to length, girth, preferred age, or number of rentboys coming to his quarters in Swiss Guard drag so he can do some hard and sweaty Gospel preachin'.

Think I'm being too harsh to the Pope? Then let me double-down: Hey Ratzi! Quit hetero-sexually abusing your Gay flock, you vicious troll. If you really want to atone for your sins and the sins of Church authorities, beg for forgiveness for what you have done to Gay people as well as fostering a culture that made child molestation an all too common practice.

Clusterfuck Award goes to the Teabaggers, a name given to the group of Real Americans by Fox News until they discovered that teabagging is a popular pastime for sacksuckers. Besides being overrun by racists, paranoid conspiracy theorists, and corporate puppets, they are also teeming with homophobes. When asked about Gays in the military, teabaggus maximus Ron Kirkland said, "I can tell you if there were any homosexuals in that group, they were taken care of in ways I can't describe to you."

It is obvious that Kirkland is just another Non-Gay faggot like Rekers. No sane person would admit to committing violence against somebody due to sexual orientation, especially since it is now a federally recognized hate crime. The only logical conclusion is that "they were taken care of in ways I can't describe to you" means Kirkland forced homosexuals to shove their cocks up his ass.

And speaking of Teabaggers, the Unbelievable Clown Award goes to Rand Paul, nemesis of racism who stands up for the rights of racists. But what does Rand's cognitive dissonance have to do with homophobia?

Simple. Paul said he believes private businesses should be able to discriminate against whomever they choose because of free speech. When called out for his rather remarkable nod to Jim Crow, he retorted, What if a business did not want people bringing guns into its establishment?

My answer is this: the gun-toters can leave their guns at home. It's not so easy for those of us who are African American to leave our Black at home, or for those of us who are Gay to leave our Fabulous at home. Even Rachel Maddow couldn't save Rand from firmly teabagging his foot in his mouth.

Republican cheerleader Michael Steele (not a favorite of mine) responded to Rand Paul in a way I found eminently sensible: rather than interfering with the free market system, racial integration of businesses was necessary so that African Americans could fully participate in the free market. You better werq, Steele baby.

There are a lot of things I like about Rand Paul, including his call for an end to the War on Drugs. I do not like, however, how he cries like a little bee-otch and blames everything on the Liberal Media. Man up, Whiner-Pants! And let go of the curly perm. You look gay.

Pride Awards: We Are Family

Time to quit being catty and give awards to the big dogs of our community.

Ancestral Gay Homeland Award goes to Canada. You want to see the LGBTQ family in force? Visit Church Street in Toronto or Rue Ste.-Catherine in Montreal.

All the bullcrap in the USA about hiding hate speech behind freedom of speech does not apply in Canada. Hate speech of any kind is against the law, period. And Canadian lack of sympathy for such vileness led to a rude awakening for Ann Coulter when she brought her sideshow to our Northern Neighbor (oops! Neighbour).

Trans Fierceness Award goes to the Chennai and Mumbai Trans communities. They held the first (December 2009) and second (April 2010) national Miss India pageant for transwomen, and these girls were sizzling. Too often in the billion-person South Asian powerhouse, transwomen are thrown out of their families. So they form families of their own simply to survive, sometimes in impoverished conditions. But now some members of the community are able to make the giant leap to unadulterated glamour. Way to go, girls!

On the other side of the gender-sex divide, an identical award goes out to transman Tyler McCormick who won the coveted International Mr. Leather 2010 title in Chicago. Literally sex on wheels, Tyler (who describes himself as "the Leather Gimp") kicked ass. Congratulations goes as well to IML and the Leather community. You make us proud.

Make It Work Award, of course, goes to Tim Gunn, the patron saint of pure class. Coupled with the Angel of Death, Heidi "Auf Wiedersehen" Klum, the two of them make Project Runway the joy that it is. But what makes it especially poignant for me is the way Gunn sometimes gets misty-eyed when he listens to Gay contestants in their homes talk about what they have to overcome as they grew up. Love you, doll. Call me.

Sports Award goes to Michael Daniels of Outlook Columbus (www.osu.edu/eminence/assets/files/outlook_tressel_everybody_important.pdf) for his interview with Jim Tressel, head coach for The Ohio State University.

This article is a game-changer. Credit for opening up dialogue concerning LGBTQ people and big-time college team sports has to go to Tressel as well as to Daniels. At personal risk for his career and possibly his own safety, Coach Tressel consented to speak with Daniels about the possibility of Gay athletes in The Ohio State University's football program. Tressel said the following: "One, we are a family. If you haven't learned from your family at home that people have differences and those strengthen the whole, then you are hopefully going to learn it as part of the Ohio State football family ... Whatever a young man feels called to express, I hope we will help him do it in a supportive environment."

Best Show of the Year goes to Glee. It is Gay-friendly and much more, pretty much standing up for all the downtrodden while simultaneously being totally un-PC as delightfully shameless Sue Sylvester channels Anne Coulter (if Coulter were consistently funny). If you've not seen it, you should. Despite the Auto-Tuned voices and schmaltzy plots, it is the best thing to happen to LGBTQ rights, especially for our Queer youth. Thank you Fox Network, for making Glee, a fictional show that reflects as much reality and compassion as your news reflects delusion and intolerance.

Best Person of the Year goes to Jane Lynch, the actress who plays Sue Sylvester.

Out-and-proud Lynch was recently interviewed by Katie Couric and revealed herself to be the Anti-Palin: she is smart, funny, and humble. Jane also had praises for Ellen DeGeneres. "I think Ellen coming out was huge and groundbreaking, and [things] kind of shifted," she said. "There are some people who will never shift, and that's OK." Then a little bit of Sue Sylvester peaked out: "They'll probably be dead soon."

Jane Lynch is a goddess.

Clueless Award: WTF Are You Thinking, Madrid Pride?

Last but not least: The Clueless Award goes to Madrid Pride organizers who banned a Gay Tel Aviv delegation from participating in their Pride Parade. Their reason: Tel Aviv officials have not been sufficiently outraged at the Israeli blockade and the flotilla incident off the coast of Gaza.

Even if we accept the premise that the Israeli government behaved badly in every way, the act of banning Tel Aviv Pride activists in Madrid would be akin to banning NYC Pride from participating in Paris when Bush Jr. ordered American forces to invade Iraq, or banning London Pride in New Orleans this year because of British Petroleum.

There is no place in the entire Middle East that accepts out-and-proud LGBTQ people, including LGBTQ Arabs, more than the city of Tel Aviv.

Tel Aviv Pride has been a venue where Gay Palestinians can participate and not hide who they are. If they tried that shit at home and act all "We're Here, We're Queer!" in Gaza City or Hebron, the rapid response would be "You Were Here, You Were Queer, And Now You're Dead!" LGBTQ organizations in Tel Aviv have called for the Israeli government to put an end to oppression against ALL Palestinians, and have gone out of their way to protect Gay Palestinians from being killed by their own people.

I have nothing but love for the people of Spain and the fine city of Madrid. But I do have a message for Madrid Pride organizers: Wake up.