March 28, 2011
Life in the Closet is Dark, Claustrophobic, Unhappy & Unfulfilling
Steve Weinstein READ TIME: 4 MIN.
In my 20 years in private practice, my clients have shared many personal experiences that had a direct effect on their lives. But the most interesting stories that I have heard are those that focus primarily on the lengths some gay men go to "mask" their homosexuality. One such story was shared by a client, whom we'll call David, who gave me his permission to share his gay shame experience with all of you:
Last week at the gym I met this handsome and very muscular man who turned out to be both charming and interested in meeting me. As we continued our workouts, the conversation turned to the fact that he was staying in New York City from Tennessee for the purpose of making money from giving massages to mostly gay men. Upon hearing this news, I admitted to getting massages twice a month for stress release and muscle relaxation and would be most interested in getting a massage from him, since his price was reasonable and he looked very strong.
The truth of the matter was that I was very "turned on" by this Southern gentleman and saw the possibility of a long distance relationship. Unfortunately, this gentleman although admitting to "gay tendencies," was married to a woman and had three daughters. In addition, his extracurricular sexual activities were limited arm wrestling and naked wrestling.
I did get a wonderful massage from this man and afterwards, we made plans a late-night date to go to the Eagle, a bar he seemed to know a good deal about despite his supposed limited knowledge of the gay scene. But that night I was running a little late and as a result, received numerous text messages asking for my whereabouts. When I did finally arrive, he looked considerably relieved and happy to finally have a partner to cruise the bar; he was acting more like a frightened child that the strong man image he conveyed.
At the bar, more than a few attractive and interested men approached us thinking we were a couple since my friend never left my side for a minute. Although he exuded a visible confidence and was clearly one of the most impressive men in the bar that night, he seemed very unsure of what he wanted to do. In fact, it almost appeared as if this was his very first time in a gay bar -- something that, in retrospect, I found very hard to believe.
By 3:30 in the morning (last call) I was clearly ready to leave the bar with neither of us meeting someone due primarily to us looking like a couple, and a somewhat intimidating couple on top of that. So when it was time to leave, I considered asking my friend back to my apartment but was hesitant to do so since I am not a big fan of arm or naked wrestling with little to no possibility of more romance or sexual intimacy. Somehow I wished that he would have admitted to me that he did indeed want to make love and not just wrestle but unfortunately, he didn't.
When we finally left, we exchanged warm but hesitant goodbyes and took separate cabs. In reflection, I just knew that it was fear that held us both back from admitting our true feelings for one another and now we were both parting feeling somewhat lonely and frustrated.
Today, David's friend is back living with his family in Tennessee and continues to massage gay men "with release." In my estimation, he continues denying his true sexual identity by living a lie; a lie that I believe that many gay men in this country and world continue to live.
But why? How does this lie of one's true sexuality help these men toward living a truer and more honest life for themselves? Does not this fear of "coming out" to those who confess to love them also keep them from being happier and more contented in their lives?
My response to this situation and the dilemma that many gay men have experienced is to indeed "come out of your closet," because without that honesty, how can you possibly live a more fulfilling and authentic life? I for one learned that fact many years ago when I chose to stop living a lie and came out to my family.
I, too, was fearful of their potential rejection of me because of my true sexuality, but that fear never transpired. My family shared with me that they always knew I was gay and that although they had difficulty accepting my sexuality, they loved me for the person I was.
As a result of my actions years ago, the daily conversations I have with my 90-year-old mother and both siblings need little to no censorship for I know they love and accept me for who I am and have no desire to change me.
I sincerely hope that David's friend will someday follow my own actions. I also hope that if they were to meet in the gym again, the man would be more available toward David, and in the process, to himself as well. It amazes me the lengths that some gay men go toward denying their sexuality, and saddens me to think of how much of life they are missing as a result of their fear-based actions, even in our relatively enlightened age.
Dr. Vince Pellegrino has PhDs in educational theater and drama therapy from New York University and is a board-certified psychotherapist in New York City and Connecticut. He teaches communications at Hofstra University. He is currently working on a book, Gay Communication Game, about "Gayspeak"; an interactive TV program featuring real-time therapy sessions is in development. Go to his website for more information.
Steve Weinstein has been a regular correspondent for the International Herald Tribune, the Advocate, the Village Voice and Out. He has been covering the AIDS crisis since the early '80s, when he began his career. He is the author of "The Q Guide to Fire Island" (Alyson, 2007).
