Epic Pride Win: Tracy Morgan Wipes Santorum Off His Routine

In a year already filled with natural disasters and human-generated catastrophes, the Gay community is steadily making progress. Here is a Pride 2011 list of recent fails and wins.

Epic Fails

Comedian Tracy Morgan put his massively homophobic cock in his mouth during a recent comedy sketch in Nashville, and now he is choking on it. Among other funny fag-bashing lines he delivered: he would stab his son to death if he were Gay and spoke too girly. Morgan supposedly apologized through a spokesperson.

"Spokesperson" my ass. Morgan spoke his hatred to a live audience, and it's not the first time. If he is too much a coward to apologize on live television, then I frankly do not believe him.

On the other hand, Morgan really has nothing to worry about if he, in his heart of hearts, wants to murder a hypothetically faggot son. After these latest comments, the young man will kill himself before Morgan has the chance. Problem solved.

As of Saturday, June 11, we are still waiting for a real apology, Mr. Morgan.

(UPDATE: As of Monday, June 13, Morgan apologized profusely through two separate interviews. He spoke against bullying queer youth, stood up for marriage equality, and most important, how he would love a Gay son unconditionally, even adding an extra dose of love because of what the kid has to go through. He also said he would go to Nashville with GLAAD and speak out against "Don't Say Gay" legislation. I for one forgive him. EPIC WIN!)

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker met serious resistance to his policies as he seeks to make the rich richer. So he took a page out of the Karl Rove playbook of dirty politics and attacked The Gays. Walker wants to deny us hospital visitation rights, proving that he is a total fail in terms of responsible leadership.

News flash: Santorum is running! Somebody get some paper towels (tip of the hat to Dan Savage).

I have yet to say anything, positive or negative about Miley Cyrus (I did once mildly ridicule an outfit she wore), but most of my thoughts have frankly been negative about her until today. She sent out a tweet criticizing Urban Outiftters President Richard Hayne for contributing to Rick Santorum, who is homophobic, icky and foul-smelling. Thanks and heart u, Miley. For his part, Santorum covered the tweet during an interview in a pathetic attempt to get more attention from the media. You sad, sad man.

Speaking of politicians in fail mode, Illinois Congressman Aaron Schock flaunted his abs on the cover of Men's Health, proving what gossips have been saying about him for years: Gay-Gay-Gay. He claims he is promoting anti-obesity. But "confirmed bachelor" Schock is cruising for much, much more than props for supporting Michelle Obama's pet project. It should be clear by now that the cover is actually the chiseled interior of Aaron's closet.

The end of the world came and went for Reverend Harold Camping (gotta love the last name!) and his conned-gregation: No Rapture on May 21. On the one hand, it was a financial win for Camping, a man who amassed millions of dollars from the gullible. That wealth will still be available to him even though the world did not end, unless he blew it all in a mad tipping spree at the local titty bar on May 20.

On the other hand, there is the ridicule (and unfortunately the poverty) that his followers face on the day after wishing the rest of us would be engulfed in unspeakable suffering while they floated away on Spaceship Jesus. It is just another nail in the coffin for fanatical Christian ignorance, including the virulent homophobia that infects so many of our churches. Westboro Baptist was not created ex nihilo.

We'll see how many more suckers he can swindle come October, when Camping says the world will really end.

The "It Gets Better" campaign, telling our youth that life will improve once they get out of high school, didn't do a damn thing for our suffering youth. We really should have a "Stop Killing Your Queer Kids" campaign instead. When the house is on fire, you don't tell children trapped inside they'll feel much better after years of therapy in the burn trauma center. You fight the fire and get them the fuck out.

Epic Wins

Major win goes to potty-mouth comedian Lisa Lampanelli, who was inspired by Westboro Baptist Church to donate $50,000 to Gay Men's Health Crisis after the haters picketed one of her shows. Lisa pledged $1000 for every protester. 48 showed up, so she rounded it out to fifty grand. College groups have used WBC as a fundraiser for a while now, donating the funds in the name of Westboro Baptist and sending Fred Phelps thank-you cards.

For her comments on the Tracy Morgan scandal: You Are A Goddess, Tina Fey.

Nothing but love for rapper Lil B and the title of his latest album, I'm Gay. His strong stance for our community is awesome. Lil B reveals hypocrisy in the hip-hop community at the risk of his own neck (both professionally and physiologically). NBA players, take note of Lil B's bravery: real men defend the helpless. You promote further attacks against our people by throwing around "Faggot!" every time somebody pisses in your cornflakes.

We have a wonderful new icon in Glee as Santana (played to the hilt by Naya Rivera) develops her character as the closeted mean-spirited "Lebanese" cheerleader. Out only to a few people in the story's narrative, she is gloriously Lez-campy to the audience. Best line: "The only Straight I am is straight-out bitch." In just a few episodes, Santana became the most interesting Gay character in the series, especially when she used her dark powers to protect nelly-boy Kurt.

2011 Tony Awards was a monster win for us, from the opening number, "It's Not Just for Gays Anymore" sung by Neil Patrick Harris, to The Normal Heart winning the award for Best Revival, to Sutton Foster's acceptance speech for Best Actress in a Musical (Anything Goes). She thanked her teachers, members of the cast, her boyfriend and his son. But she saved her greatest love for her fabulous dresser, Julien Havard, breaking into tears because, after nine years working together in six different shows, "He's leaving me!" Already an icon, Sutton has endeared herself to LGBT Broadway fans even more.

And if anything proves how late the extremist Conservative talk-show hosts are in post-Dubya America, Glenn Beck has done it. He pulled a Scott Walker and warned America about how Glee subverts family values. Subtext: it's too queer. Since Glenn represents everything un-hip, his attack against the Fox network show (the same network that dropped his ass like a hot potato) can only make Glee even more popular, and prove how out of touch the likes of Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Michael Savage are.

Another sign of the times is the message sent by enlightened New York Conservative power brokers to homophobic Republicans: Quit attacking LGBT rights or we will not fund you. Thanks, Straight rich White guys! And another feather in NYC's cap: the New York Times features an interactive site called "Coming Out" so that teenagers can contribute their stories. Rather than giving youth empty promises about a shiny future, give them a voice today.

We cannot overlook the big favor the Tennessee legislature has done for our community by proposing the "Don't Say Gay" rule. This trifling piece of nonsense forbids teachers from teaching homosexual-related topics to elementary and middle school students. Once again, the squares are making us irresistible to young people.

Super-Epic Win: Osamacare

Have you heard of Osamacare? It is the President's new health initiative: a vaccine against terrorism. The government will even deliver shots to your compound.

As I said in my previous op-ed, the death of Osama during Obama's watch as Commander-in-Chief is a blow against all those who hate Obama's policies, including homophobes who go ballistic every time our President refers to us as his fellow Americans, and who continue to hound our people in uniform.

Triple-Epic Win

New York.

Happy Pride!