Love, Sex & Dating: How to Tell Them Apart

Dating is not "sexting." Dating is not online chatting that leads to a NSA (no strings attached) "hookup." Dating is setting a specific time to meet for dinner, a movie, or even a cup of coffee, where there will be clear one-to-one interaction with hopefully, direct eye contact and an effort to listen to one another.

In this more advanced technological age, the art of face-to-face interaction is slowly being lost to one's webcam and instant messaging. Those technological types of communication simply lack the richness involved in talking to someone over a quiet drink, coffee, or a meal where you will share more intimate personal experiences and feelings.

In the textbook "Communication: Making Connections," there is a model for interpersonal communication called "The Ten Stages of Coming Together and Growing Apart" by Mark Knapp. Within this model, dating tends to occur in the Intensifying Stage where individuals express a desire to spend more time together and work toward finding more common ground to build a relationship.

The two stages prior to the intensifying stage are the initiating and experimenting stages, where the two individuals greet one another and gather more information in order to find common interests that will promote increased communication between the two parties.

Most people who meet for the first time rarely venture beyond the experimenting stage, especially gay men. For example, just reflect upon how many people you meet in a given week. Then ask yourself, how often do you go beyond the "hello my name is" stage?

In the Intensifying stage, dating is essential toward moving forward to the more emotionally developed stage called the Integrating stage, where others in your social world begin to view the two of you as a more intimate couple.

With regards to the title of talking love not sex, clear communication is integral toward truly understanding who the person is with whom you have chosen as a prospective love interest. Therefore, it is important that when you do meet that special someone for a date, you focus on him and not on yourself. Listen to what he has to say, give him direct eye contact, and smile a lot.

Be careful not to disclose too much personal information with him on your very first date since a little mystery never hurt. Let him ask you questions and you do the same with him. This is how we work toward building those common interests as well as, finding areas where the two of you may not relate. Then, if there are just too many areas where you differ significantly, you may decide that he is not the guy for you. But don't be so quick to quit anyone, because something worth having is worth the fight.

Unfortunately, many gay men are quick to quit on someone (sounds like "Brokeback Mountain," doesn't it?) knowing that there are plenty of others to pick from in the dating pool. But some day that dating pool might end up being a good deal smaller than you realized, and you will be alone.

In the book "Thinking through Communication," Sarah Trenholm defined a type of interpersonal communication within the Pragmatic Model, where the interaction between two individuals is similar to a game, where both parties are focused toward winning. An analogy to this model is the game of chess where strategic moves are made toward reaching one's personal goal.

With dating, the goal is to find the special person with whom you want to share your life for years, and not for just a few hours, therefore, it is primary that you get to know this man well before becoming a couple or moving in together. But before you even think of being a couple or moving in, consider the importance of that first date toward making a great first impression that leads to many future good impressions.

So when the two of you set a time to meet, try to be on time and not late. Lateness demonstrates a lack of commitment and if being late for a date is your pattern, then it also presents a lack of organization and integrity. If you should happen to find yourself unfortunately running late, be sure you have your date's cell number to call and inform him so he is not left "hanging."

A first date may be benefitted most by keeping it short, such as meeting for that drink or cup of coffee. If that first date progresses well, you can always decide to share a meal together. But know that with eating, you should also be aware of the impression you are making as you eat; no one wants to be viewed as a glutton or slob.

Finally, after the first date is over, make a plan to call one another within the next few days to assess the date, and what you liked about one another. But if the connection sadly did not feel compatible, simply tell your date something supportive before letting him know what didn't work for you.

Of special note, if you have a pattern of rejecting first dates, then examine why you do that, since it could mask or disguise a fear of being rejected first; which suggests both insecurity and immaturity.

Hopefully, all will work out well between the two of you as you travel the road to relationship bliss and a possible commitment or marriage ceremony that will please all marriage equality advocates as well as yourselves.

Dr. Vince Pellegrino has PhDs in educational theater and drama therapy from New York University and is a board-certified psychotherapist in New York City and Connecticut. He teaches communications at Hofstra University. He is currently working on a book, "Gay Communication Game," about "Gayspeak"; an interactive TV program featuring real-time therapy sessions in development. Go to the Dr. Vince TV website for more information.