Star Gazing :: Why "True Blood" Doesn't Suck

Four seasons in and I am still having to try to convince people to watch HBO's "True Blood". I receive befuddled looks and the like, and queries if I am attracted to the show because of its violent content. Really? To which I usually counter, "Oh, that reminds me I have to check the freshness of my severed head collection in my freezer, and a good rule of thumb to circumvent that not-so-fresh feeling is to use industrial sized Ziploc bags, works like a charm." As I once told my dad, "It's better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass." And, to be honest, there are moments on the show that do make me squeamish, but that usually involves a male character kissing a female one. That's just sick.

There's also the assumption that I must love "Twilight." Uh, no I don't for the record, well, except maybe for those shirtless pics of Taylor Lautner, ok? What? He's legal now, so it's all above board. However, would it kill his co-star Kristen Stewart to smile on the red carpet? You are in one of the biggest movie franchises around - would it kill ya to show a little teeth now and again? Ok, that's way more space than I wanted to give to that particular "phenomenon."

Four seasons in and I am still having to try to convince people to watch HBO's "True Blood". I receive befuddled looks and the like, and queries if I am attracted to the show because of its violent content. Really? To which I usually counter, "Oh, that reminds me I have to check the freshness of my severed head collection in my freezer, and a good rule of thumb to circumvent that not-so-fresh feeling is to use industrial sized Ziploc bags, works like a charm." As I once told my dad, "It's better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass." And, to be honest, there are moments on the show that do make me squeamish, but that usually involves a male character kissing a female one. That's just sick.

There's also the assumption that I must love "Twilight." Uh, no I don't for the record, well, except maybe for those shirtless pics of Taylor Lautner, ok? What? He's legal now, so it's all above board. However, would it kill his co-star Kristen Stewart to smile on the red carpet? You are in one of the biggest movie franchises around - would it kill ya to show some teeth now and again? Ok, that's way more space than I wanted to give to that particular "phenomenon."

Ok, getting back to convincing so-called "friends" to watch this Sunday night staple at the Parks household, and why the process has left me weary... I feel like I'm talking to walls, or at the very least, attempting to hold a conversation with Paris Hilton.

What's the resistance, and why can't I seem to use my own brand of glamorizing that the vampires do on the show to make them see things my way? I've got it, I will just write about it - way to use the ole noggin there, Parks. Thank God I have a column, phew.

Oh, Sookie

For starters, "True Blood" features one of the best written female characters on TV, in the guise of Anna Paquin's Sookie Stackhouse, a feisty blond that is not afraid to stand up to the dark forces that inhabit her hometown of Bon Temps, Louisiana.

Off screen, the actress who snagged an Academy Award at the age of 11 for Best Supporting Actress in "The Piano" and went on to co-star in the first three "X-Men" films; married Moyer on August 21, 2010. Prior to her marriage, she joined Cyndi Lauper's "Give A Damn" campaign, announcing that she was bisexual in a PSA for the organization. Oh, so that's why the show's creator, Alan Ball, made her character a faerie this season. This joke was brought to you by the year 1979.

The heroine was first introduced to the public in "Dead Until Dark," the inaugural book of "The Southern Vampire Mysteries" series written by Charlaine Harris, which have served as the blue print for the series.

Oh, and the spitfire waitress has the ability to read minds, which must come in handy if someone is planning to do a dine and dash. Unfortunately, she is unable to read the minds of vampires, so she may not be able to determine if she's going to be a literal midnight snack.

Fortunately, and up until recently, she was being protected by Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer), until she found out that he had lied to her about the origins of their relationship, and has now been given the daunting task of babysitting his nemesis Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard), who is suffering memory loss about what a bastard he was up until this season.

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Vampires, Werewolves and Shapeshifters, oh my!

My biggest selling point to my gay male friends, and for you faithful readers, is the virtual smorgasbord of male flesh that is on parade in any given episode. While the vast majority of the unclothed moments feature werewolves and shape shifters, getting down on all fours in the nude...now where was I? Sorry I got a little distracted there for a second!

During the show's run, there has been a wide variety of all types of men to admire, sans clothing, and many a spirited conversation to be had about which one is the hottest.

Let's see, you have Bill showing us how sexy no tan lines can be, seeing as there is no SPF deemed strong enough to avoid the true death, which spells curtains for bloodsuckers.

As the owner of the local restaurant Merlotte's, Sam Merlotte (Sam Trammell) has quite a stressful time of things, whether he's dealing with his eclectic employees, his sometimes "special friendship" with Tara Thornton (Rutina Wesley), or dealing with his very troubled younger brother Tommy Mickens ( Marshall Allman). So, what does he do to unwind? Well, Sam is a shape shifter (as is his brother), so he's apt to drop trowel at the drop of a hat. And hats off to that, especially since he had a very sexual dream that involved Bill last season - perhaps he will shift into becoming a card carrying homosexual... can I get a gaymen, err, amen?

This season, the series has introduced a plotline involving a coven of witches, led by Marnie Stonebrook (Fiona Shaw), who cast a spell on Eric that caused him to lose his memory. Fortunately, he hasn't forgotten how to look great in various states of undress.

While I understand that the Louisiana nights can be hot and humid, I would think that a vampire wouldn't be affected by the weather with its cold-blooded nature, so there has been many a scene with Eric shirtless. Trust me I'm not complaining whatsoever, as Skarsgard has, well, how do I put this delicately? Let's just say he has a nice part of his anatomy known in gay circles, and for the sake of not being a gutter mind, that would go by the initials c.g. - and here's a further hint, the 'g' part was used in this sentence regarding the state of my brain. Wow! It's like trying to explain it on a dirty episode of "Sesame Street," and today's show was brought to you by the letters G A Y.

During Season 3, more creatures of the night were introduced into the population in the form of werewolves. And one quite strapping lycanthrope literally stands far above the pack. Alcide Herveaux (Joe Manganiello) looks like a Tom of Finland poster boy come to life, (although he is all man, baby), standing 6'5" tall with one ripped body. In fact, the actor had to train for five months, as the character was described in the novels as having arms like tree trunks. Oh, just his arms are like tree trunks? And there goes my train of thought again - just at the mention of him and tree trunk in the same sentence is enough to send me over the full moon, ok?

The handsome actor was in the running to play Superman in the upcoming reboot of the film franchise, but his "True Blood" work schedule would have been a conflict for him to put on the tight fitting spandex suit. Sigh. The upswing here is that Superman never did any nude scenes, but Alcide has plenty.

However, there is one non-creature of the night entity that has spent the last few seasons wearing waaay too many clothes. I'm talking to you Jason Stackhouse, err, Ryan Kwanten. During the first season, almost every single scene he was in featured showcased his rockin' body in various states of undress, as he was a man whore of the highest magnitude. Let's just say that if it wasn't nailed down, he would solve that problem by nailing it.

This season he looks very ripped and has definitely bulked up his frame, and it seems like my endless e-mails to HBO calling for a boycott on him wearing clothing were answered, sort of. His lone nude scene, thus far (fingers are crossed) had him covered with scratches and bite marks from a group of panther people that wanted him to repopulate their family, which includes a lot of Uncle Daddies in the brood. Well, the show is set in The South, after all.

Speaking of family, there have been Internet rumors that the Australian-born actor may actually be playing for our team. If that were the case, then Kwanten should be rewarded with an Emmy, seeing as his character has been the aforementioned man whore of the series; now that's acting!

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Catch up on the first three seasons of "True Blood" in five minutes:

Sister Act

When the show made its debut in 2008, I was happy to see that Whoopi Goldberg had started her acting career back up and taken on the role of Lafayette Reynolds, rather than throwing down with Elisabeth Hasselbeck on "The View." Well, imagine my surprise when I learned it wasn't the "Sister Act" actress, but rather her male doppelganger, Nelsan Ellis... c'mon the similarities are uncanny!

As it turns out, Lafayette is the gay representation on the show, and let's just say there's gay, and then there's Lafayette gay. No, I'm not saying it like it's a bad thing, as he lets his freak flag fly as a true blue individual and greets everybody with the endearing salutation of addressing everyone as hooker.

Last season, he even got a boyfriend, Jesus Velasquez (Kevin Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro) and the two are still going strong this season, despite them having to thwart Pam De Beaufort's (Kristen Bauer) literal bloodlust about the coven they belong to giving her maker Eric amnesia.

Despite those circumstances, the duo actually has the strongest relationship on the show, and it may not have played out past Season 1, as Lafayette was killed off in the first book in the series. Thus, proving the point of never underestimating the power of the seasoned homosexual, y'all.

Staying current

When the show made its debut in 2008, I was happy to see that Whoopi Goldberg had started her acting career back up and taken on the role of Lafayette Reynolds, rather than throwing down with Elisabeth Hasselbeck on "The View." Well, imagine my surprise when I learned it wasn't the "Sister Act" actress, but rather her male doppelganger, Nelsan Ellis... c'mon the similarities are uncanny!

As it turns out, Lafayette is the gay representation on the show, and let's just say there's gay, and then there's Lafayette gay. No, I'm not saying it like it's a bad thing, as he lets his freak flag fly as a true blue individual and greets everybody with the endearing salutation of addressing everyone as hooker.

Last season, he even got a boyfriend, Jesus Velasquez (Kevin Alejandro) and the two are still going strong this season, despite them having to thwart Pam De Beaufort's (Kristen Bauer) literal bloodlust about the coven they belong to giving her maker Eric amnesia.

Despite those circumstances, the duo actually has the strongest relationship on the show, and it may not have played out past Season 1, as Lafayette was killed off in the first book in the series. Thus, proving the point of never underestimating the power of the seasoned homosexual, y'all.

"True Blood" keeps upping the ante every season with the introduction of new creatures that have been getting screen time, since the advent of the visual medium of horror films. Ball hinted that next year's potential scary candidates will be of the spirit variety, or ghosts in layman's terms. I'd imagine that after they run through the entire ghoul pool over the series' run that they may become hard pressed to come up with frightening inclusions, they may have to turn to the religious right to really give audiences a scare! Shudder!

Well, if you were on the fence about watching this involving show, you've now avoided the splinter factor and will give it a try.

Because HBO's "True Blood" still manages not to suck (Duck, here comes another pun!) is able to sink its fangs into some pretty juicy plotlines, like so many arteries in human characters necks, and isn't getting long in the tooth, like some series can be after four years on the air.

Can the same be said of say, "Jersey Shore," with its fourth season set to debut on August 4? Even though the cast traveled to Italy to shake things up, I'm sure that it will be a case of you can take the drunks out of Jersey, and you can't take the Jersey out of the drunks.

Besides Snooki is no Sookie, alright? And that's entertainment!

"True Blood" airs Sundays at 9pm on HBO.

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