Dear Dog Lady

Dear Dog Lady,

I read somewhere that dogs can detect colon cancer with the near-precision of a colonoscopy. I also read articles that dogs can sense other cancers such as melanoma, bladder, lung, ovarian, and breast. They diagnose by sniffing human breath. Our shepherd-mix, Crunchmaster Funk (Crunchy) sometimes stares at me. I have to admit this spooks me a little because Crunchy looks at me with such intensity I imagine he smells cancer and is trying to tell me I'm sick. I admit I'm a bit of a hypochondriac but how do I stop thinking this way? What does Crunchy smell?

-Brian

Dear Brian,

The pheromone of worry. Crunchy might smell your fear. He also sniffs the various essences of you as well as any stray cat dander you might carry on your pants leg. Crunchy is infatuated with eau'd' you. Otherwise, he's not trained to be a cancer sniffing dog. Or a drug sniffing dog. Or a corpse sniffing dog. Or a bomb sniffing dog. Right? The dogs that sniff for seizures or diseases such as cancer are trained to do so-the same way other "sniffers" are expertly schooled. According to the news story from the Associated Press, the colon cancer sensitive dog lives in Japan and works with a researcher. The process of training is quite expensive so cancer sniffing dogs will not take the place of colonoscopies any time soon. If you have any question about your health, you really should see your doctor not your dog.

And don't believe what you see on Showtime's "Big C," about the dog that follows around cancer victims, which is how Laura Linney's character is finally revealed to have the disease. This makes a good story but the scenario is fictional.

Why do you believe Crunchy is telling you the worst when he stares at you? He could be saying, "Take me out." Or "feed me." Or, "Did anyone ever tell you you're the most beautiful creature on the boardwalk?"

Dear Dog Lady,

My boyfriend of seven years and I have split up. We have an English bulldog together. He will be two in November. The dog was purchased by my "ex" so technically Bunco is his. We have agreed to share him equally since I am so attached. My question: Is it good for the dog to go back and forth? My ex is not home a lot and I was the main care giver for Bunco. I just worry that he will be left alone too much and he will get depressed. This is why we have agreed to share. But, do you think he will adjust and be OK? I want what is best for him, but I also don't want to give up seeing him.

-Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,

Dogs are elastic creatures. They bend around circumstances. Dogs can love-and nap-indiscriminately. If your "ex" cares about Bunco as much as you do, put aside human emotions and try not to worry the dog will be depressed. Bunco will adjust.

Since you agree to share Bunco equally, you should step up to make sure the dog receives outings during the day to relieve himself and to exercise. Also, ensure Bunco has a comfortable den to hang out when alone. Insert yourself so you are still responsible for his well-being. This is what sharing a dog entails as both parties have an equal say in how the dog is tended. Bunco will enjoy the benefits of friends, which you and your ex should remain for the sake of the bulldog.

Dear Dog Lady,

My husband and I are giving our annual barbecue and this year we've decided to invite people's dogs as well as them and their kids. But there's one dog we don't want on our property. He's a hyper poodle-mix that was just brought home from a shelter by my friend Sandra. All this dog does is bark. I'm afraid there will be no peace if this one comes to the party. How do I let Sandra know her dog is not invited?

-Maybelline's Mom

Dear Maybelline's Mom,

You let her know directly: "Sandra, your dog barks too much and isn't invited to the party." There is no polite way, considering everybody else's dog is welcome and surely she will hear about it. However, you could be very brave and invite the yapster. Being around quieter better behaved dogs might silence the poodle-mix. Make a pact with Sandra that she will bring the dog back home if the barking is off-the-charts but give this canine socialization a try for the sake of your friend and her dog.

We love our pets on Fire Island!