Coming Out to Families: Difficult But Necessary

In a follow-up to my previous article on "Being Out in the Workplace," where I focused on the potential difficulties inherent with being "Out in the Workplace," maybe we need to start first with our family of origin. Specifically, how did your coming out experience go with your family or has it yet to happen? If not, then what is the problem with letting them know true sexual orientation? Are you afraid of the potential drama and self-recrimination?
Well, if Ricky Martin and Ellen DeGeneres could come out with so little negative impact on their careers, why should you fear reprisals? Unless of course you're a member of the military, although fortunately, that will soon become a thing of the past.

A frequently spoken comment I have heard over the years is, "Your mother already knows you're gay." Yes, it's true: Moms always know. So why are you holding back on disclosing such a vital part of your identity? Speaking from my own coming out experience, it was very difficult being confronted by my mother when she opened up and read a letter that I sent to my ex-lover, which was then sent back to my parents' home due to an incorrect address.

My immediate reaction upon hearing my mother's pain was to first deny my sexuality and promise never to have sex with a man again! Of course that plan was impossible to pull off, but I wasn't going to cause my mother any further pain at that moment. In time she was able to accept my gay lifestyle in gradual doses, so that, when I finally made a more formal "coming out" to my entire family, she surprisingly became my ally when my father threatened disinheritance.

Over the years everyone in my family has become more accepting of my life. All were in attendance at my commitment ceremony to my former lover back in the mid-'90s. Although my brother did comment in humor that the priest who officiated at my ceremony was speaking the words of the devil, all went amazing well and the day was both loving and life-affirming.

There has also been a spate of popular movie depictions of gay men coming out, such as "Queer as Folk, and "A Beautiful Thing." They illustrate positive messages for those still struggling with coming out to their families. I do understand that some may believe that popular drama doesn't always portray an accurate depiction of true life, but I believe such storylines were based closely on real life experiences.

Allow me, however, to play devil's advocate for a moment. You must be prepared for not only the potential rewards but also the possible disappointment and retribution. Just as I was briefly threatened with disinheritance (something I was not surprised to hear), others may experience the same, but nevertheless, the joys of being honest with my family also ended the lie that made my life miserable.

As the years have progressed, my father has since passed away and several lovers have come and gone but my relationship with my family remains strong. Today, my mother only wishes for me to find the right man to enjoy the same loving and nurturing relationship that she enjoyed with my dad. In fact, in our daily phone calls, she has become both my friend and advisor who will give me only the most honest and direct advice.

As for the rest of my family, my sister is also a source of support and comfort and my brother remains my dentist. So if I we had any issues that would affect that relationship significantly, I sure wouldn't be allowing him to drill into my mouth! Needless to say, despite the difference in our sexual identities, my family has chosen to accept and even embrace my lifestyle in all its aspects. Thus I advocate "coming out" to those whom you love and love you back.

In 1869, 100 years before Stonewall, German homosexual rights advocate Karl Heinrich Ulrichs first introduced the idea of self-disclosure as a means of emancipation. In doing so, he affirmed that invisibility was a major obstacle toward changing public opinion, and urged homosexuals to reveal their same sex attractions knowing that ignorance about homosexuality was the primary source of hate and false judgments.

He was right. Coming out is a political as well as personal act. Don't hide who you truly are from those who love you and I can guarantee in the end despite any potential difficulties, all will set itself right in time and the love you will enjoy with your family will become more honest and true. If not, feel free to contact Dr. Vince on my website and I will help you.

Dr. Vince Pellegrino has PhDs in educational theater and drama therapy from New York University and is a board-certified psychotherapist in New York City and Connecticut. He teaches communications at Hofstra University. He is currently working on a book, "Gay Communication Game," about "Gayspeak"; an interactive TV program featuring real-time therapy sessions in development. Go to Dr. Vince TV for more information.