Let's Talk HIV: Dating and Disclosure

Over the last two decades, I've had a wide array of experiences in dating and disclosure. My first sexual experience after I found out I was positive was with an HIV-positive guy I met at the Living Center in NYC. He hit on me after a seminar on AZT. I was so amazed I jumped right in bed with him. Little did I know he had a whole bevy of positive girls.

He had cornered the market on getting laid in the post-HIV era. He was one of the very few, if only, out straight guys who came to the Center, so the girls were all over him. He was a rock star. I was grateful for that night because he helped me get my confidence in the right place to deal with being young, dating, disclosing, and safe sex.

It didn't mean I still didn't settle a few times. There was Tom, who would not touch me without latex gloves or sleep overnight. I called his condition Proximity Trauma. I am not sure if it was HIV-inspired or just a neurosis, but I am sure the virus did not help.

There was the guy who hit on me after I did a comedy show. I just finished an unusually successful set. I say unusual because I had just started to do AIDS jokes -- a tough topic. But the kind of bits I was doing that night you couldn't pull off unless you were HIV-positive:

"I found out I was HIV-positive in my last year of college."
(Audience gets extraordinarily quiet or their jaws fall open)

"I know it's terrible but you know what is worse? Dating."
(No giggle yet)

"But I found a perfect way to deal with it: I use a gun."
(Pantomime holding gun on audience member)

"Say you love me, say HIV doesn't matter, say it."
(Nervous twitter from audience, mainly at the discomfort of the guy or gal I have trained in my sights)

"Hey -- but I always have safe sex; I take out the bullets."
Hahahahaha. "

Once I perfected the timing and, people really laughed. Back then, it was iffy; but that night I was on fire.

"I believe in disclosing, but when I moved to the country it got really difficult. These guys didn't know anything. I told one guy that I had HIV and he said, "I got HBO!"

Ha ha ha ha ha.

After the set, this handsome man comes up to me and starts flirting. I'm impressed. I normally have to work pretty hard to convince people I am the safest person in the room -- you know what you are getting!

But this guy was going for it and I thought, what the hell. We went back to my place, we were making out, and I just thought it was best to reiterate my status. I whispered in his ear, "You do know I am HIV-positive, right?"

He went stiff, looked at me in shock and slowly turned a pasty white, (He was African American, so this was impressive). He stood up and walked out.

Wow, okay. If it had not been so bizarre I might have been hurt. but by then I had pretty tough skin.

I had practice disclosing to large audiences followed by the opportunity to ask me questions, so I have heard it all: "How long do you have left to live? Can you be arrested for having sex? Does your dog have AIDS? Can you get infected if you put breast milk in the rectum?" You get the drift. So it would take a lot for me to be offended. Still as I sat on my now-empty sofa, I felt lonely and angry.

HIV inspires such unrealistic fears. Yes, it's infectious but totally preventable, and I am prevention pro. I can say HIV improved my sex life because it made me look outside the conventional bounds of how we define sex. It made me look inside to what I found erotic and gave me the opportunity to bring it up in conversation.

Anything to be safe -- and besides, I would not be able to exist on an exclusive diet of latex. It also gave the other person the same chance to talk about what lit their fire, which was everything from funny to exciting to I don't think so.

But still sometimes you just don't feel like jumping those hurdles. You never know what the reaction is going to be. I always give them three chances. I know the first one is the bomb and remember my reaction when I found out I had it. I was annihilated. Even though they are not being diagnosed, it is till shocking for many 30-40 something's to hear from a woman who looks like a vegetarian cookbook author, that she has AIDS.

I'd test the waters before I would disclose my status by talking about the topic in general, I would also bring up the fact that I wrote a book on women and HIV and that I had a life threatening illness; Not all in one sentence but over the course of a couple of dates or phone calls.

If I get a violently negative reaction from these tidbits, I don't bother. But if they seem neutral or interested, I give it a try. After letting the dust settle following my health status, I'd call and see how they were and tell them they can ask me anything. They usually do and top of the list is, "Can I still give oral sex?" Oh, you men.

I know if it's worth my while to pursue the relationship by the third time we are together once disclosed. If it becomes another "Tom" situation, I nip it in the bud. I stopped settling after the first year when I was trolling for 90-year-olds in the nursing home -- punch line -- "You don't know good sex till you have been gummed." Ha ha ha ha.

But seriously, Tom was settling and so were a few others, but I came to realize that the more comfortable I became with my status the more comfortable the people who were interested in me felt. The first few admissions were so angst ridden and tearful there is no wonder it did not work out -- who wanted that baggage plus HIV?

I eventually met my husband and married. HIV was never an issue except when I was dying, then it was more about sadness and loss. Obviously, I survived and in the next missive, I will update you on how that all that worked out.