Rio de Janeiro & the World's Sexiest Beach

March is still Summertime in the Brazilian city of Rio de Janeiro. At eleven at night, with the temperature cooled down to 30C (86F for you gringos) and humidity nearing 100%, I couldn't imagine going into a sauna, gay or not. Yet, there I stood, upstairs over the gay bar, as music pulsed rhythmically and men in various states of undress strutted past, just inside the open door. It was a surreal show in the stifling heat. The 30 reals admission drops to only 10 reals (about $5) at 11 PM, but even with such an incentive I couldn't bring myself to enter that oven. Instead, I went downstairs and paid 20 reals to get into the bar. I needed a cold drink!

Le Boys Will Be Boys

Le Boy, a club a friend steered me to, is still going strong at 102 Rua Raul Pompeia, in Rio. On the recent night I was there it looked no worse for wear. Karaoke was the theme of the evening. A man (I caught myself before saying a singer) was performing a song in Portuguese that must have been sexy, judging by his gyrations. He delivered it with more enthusiasm than talent. Maybe if he'd been cute I wouldn't have minded that he was off-key.

A Phallic Open Mic

A few five reals beers helped my disposition, as a cuter guy, but with no more talent, took over the microphone. What is the attraction of people willing to embarrass themselves when someone puts a mic in their hands? I imagined that the mic was something more phallic - that was better - and settled in for the show. Le Boy is open every night but Monday, although I didn't expect the size of the crowd it attracted on this Tuesday.

Rare, Medium & Well-done

Speaking of size, I heard the most direct pickup line of the evening when a husky guy whispered in my ear that he had a big d**k. I said "show me!" And, following him into the bathroom, almost laughed at his brazen lie. Instead I offered a kinder "no thank you" with a shake of my head and returned to watching the crowd. It turned into a fun night, though. A wildly made-up drag queen took the stage after midnight. That was more like it! She was followed by three dancing boys. You know you're in Rio when the promised strip show delivers the naked dancing boys to your table. I called them rare, medium and well done (I'll let you figure out why!) They were a perfect late-night snack!

Ipanema - The Sexiest Beach in the World

The best thing about Rio is the beach culture. Nights begin and end earlier so everyone can get some sleep before hitting the beaches in the morning. Although the hotel I was staying at, the Copa Sul, was only a block from Copacabana Beach (and only two blocks to Le Boy) in the morning I walked the three blocks to reach the beginning of Ipanema Beach - the World's Sexiest Beach. I was a bit early to find much action on the muscle beach section. Those guys I did see wore the skimpiest suits, revealing just how excited they were to see me (HA!) - Ipanema is HOT!

I finally sat down in a crowded little spot on the edge of the gay beach surrounded by all the pretty people. Ipanema is topless, or can be, leaving me the mindless task of identifying the real boobs from the fake. Then the broad shoulders on some of the topless ones had me questioning whether it was a guy or a girl sporting those massive headlights.

Jeopardizing Ipanema’s Sexiest Beach Status

Nevertheless, it was fun to be there, idling away last night's indulgences mesmerized by the sea. Everyone was so beautiful! Except me, that is. On the whole beach I was the only aberration. I really stuck out next to a sculpted, nearly-naked black man lying in the sand. There I was in 100 degree heat, fully covered in 60 SPF sun screen, with a big floppy hat, long sleeve shirt, and a towel covering me from my toes to my baggy, surfer-style bathing suit. What a contradiction we presented! I realized my presence could jeopardize Ipanema's Sexiest Beach status. So, before an ad hoc and barely clad committee could ask me to leave, I collected my towel and what little dignity I could find and departed. Besides, after 45 minutes in the sun I was cooked! As I walked my lily-white butt back to the hotel I imagined that Brazilians all over the beach thanked me for leaving.

Copa Sul Hotel

My hotel wasn't the Copacabana Palace I stayed at on my last visit to Rio - not by a long shot. That was a mile down the beach. While the gay activity on the beach in front of the Copacabana is renowned, it was too far away to walk in this heat. What was nearby, besides the gay clubs and the beaches, was a new bar/restaurant neighborhood just 3 blocks away. I had my pick of places to sit outside and sip drinks. Each was perfect for catching the ocean breeze and eating some of the local finger food while ogling the local talent. I turned appetizers with drinks into dinner almost every night. With the ample breakfast included for free at the hotel, and some fruit purloined for lunch, eating in Rio was very economical.

All-in-all, the Copa Sul Hotel fit my needs nicely. With easy access to both beaches, gay clubs and saunas around the corner, and good hangouts a short walk away, the reasonably priced "Copa" was a good place to lay my head in Rio.

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